My husband and I have two children under the age of 3. Most of the time when my husband watches the kids, he is on his phone. Even when our 11-month-old is practicing walking, he holds her by the arm as he walks with his eyes glued to his other hand, which is holding his phone. If I say something, he gets all defensive.
With our first child, I called him a bad dad because he was always on his phone or just holding him watching television (basically not interacting with his child). He was very hurt by this and said I was out of line and disrespectful for saying it.
Honestly, I would not mind as much if he was doing something productive on the phone for the family (such as looking up recipes, researching something that broke or planning a family trip), but it is just videos or Reddit.
To make me more upset, he does not consider this to be “free time.” He would like one to two hours a day. (I think we all would.) “Free time” for him, or “personal care,” as he calls it, is no kids while relaxing and watching videos. Free time for me is taking a shower with no kids or taking them on a walk. (I am a stay-at-home parent.)
I am just struggling with how to explain to him that your kids are here now, not on a screen. We did go to marriage counseling for a year, but it did not work so well. It turned into: If I am struggling, then I need to pay for help or depend on my family, because my expectations are higher than his.